wow. I have less than a month and a half left in London. that is terrifying. London has been such an emblem of change and new beginnings in my head for so long. I thought I’d leave and come here to the life that’s always been waiting for me. I’d hop off the plane at LGW (holla miley) and step into a new world that was meant for me. I’d love the professors and classes. (who am I kidding I thought I’d find a hot boyfriend immediately). I’d make friends with cute and confident brits, grab drinks at pubs, smile as the cameras flashed at fancy pubs, spend my days ACTUALLY writing, reading every thing I could, and not wasting away my time on the internet. what an adjustment it’s been. I don’t want to say that the unexpected (and unwanted) at points is exactly the way I’d keep things. I mean honestly it WOULD’VE been nice to meet a guy. it WOULD’VE been nice to make those cute and confident brit friends. but that isn’t how it played out. instead I found new friends from home, created some weirdness with old friends, realized that just by not being at duke doesn’t make me automatically good at school again, and I traveled europe with every penny I had (seriously I’m so broke it’s not even funny). and wow it HAS been great. I am so so grateful for everything this trip has given me. and I truly don’t want to go back to where I was before, but I don’t think I’m where I want to be yet. and that is disappointing, discouraging, and somehow okay.
when my mom told me to start writing in a diary, I laughed at her. I am a TERRIBLE diary writer. I only use my journal for when I’m upset or can’t sleep. (I mean honestly I’m using this right now bc my roommate’s asleep and I don’t want to turn the light on to write//but it’s also kinda fun to think maybe someone someday will read this little ramble). but I do want to remember what I’ve learned and what I’ve done. I want to remember the amazing and horrible. London has truly taught me that nothing great can be without some not-so-great. this city is my new york. and I’ve never felt more alone, more loved, more inspired, more lost, or more uncomfortable in life. but London (or your city) isn’t there to make you comfortable, it’s not really there for anything, it’s what you use it for that makes it significant. obviously this is reiterating the words of thousands (re: millions) of people have said (including taylor swift) but it’s so true. London isn’t going to DO anything. I have to do the things. and for me I think that’s always been hard. I like being forced into things. it’s not that I won’t work for things. it’s just that, until action is absolutely necessary, I don’t act. I lie awake in bed until the very last possible minute before I’ll be late. I “work” on papers and projects but nothing truly gets done till it’s 4 hours till the deadline and I’ve got to do it now or have it hanging over my head for longer. it’s also why I act impulsively. I don’t like to think these over; I want to respond while the event is still fresh. but that’s just it about me, I react. I am not an actor but a reactor (wow I’m so profound at 12:58 am after watching an incredibly cliche but great movie (begin again!! everyone go watch this now!!)). and anyways where was I, I was on a role… uhmm okay yes I’m a reactor who thinks she’s an actor. and this is where I need to work on myself. I’m so gotdamn full of myself that I think I’m so self-aware and evolved that I don’t need to improve anywhere. I’m awesome how I am and I know the parts of me that aren’t awesome, but they make me me. is anyone even still reading this? I don’t think I’m even still thinking it… anyways. okay back to the moral. dear el (yeah let’s go with the internet persona i’ve adapted for other reasons (ONE DIRECTION FANDOM HOLLA) rather than who I really am, seems more fun that way) DO. do do do do. just do it. just stop wishing you would. or stop thinking you should. just please for the love of fucking god get off your ass, stop feeling sorry for yourself because you didn’t get what you think you “deserved (well you really didn’t but like keep working, QUE SERA, SERA (seriously I’m going to tattoo that on my ass)”, stop admiring those who can and stop blaming people for why you can’t. you believe in yourself and you may feel lost and not want to TRY without vision or passion or whatever it is you’re looking for but if you don’t start DOING you won’t know what you don’t want to be doing… Idk does this even still make sense? I wonder if I’ll ever even come back to this blog. right okay close it out. sleep well, it’s after 1 am. seriously babe, you are awesome and you are capable but you’ll never REACH that capability if you don’t stick to your commitments, put the work in, stop getting sucked in (well get sucked in when you need it but you know what I mean), just figure something out because you can, I know you can. you ARE good enough to be something. I know you feel it. because I am you lol (also why is it so much easier for me to write so many words when its NOT for an essay, le sigh) anyways. you are meant for greatness. but it isn’t going to just fall in your lap. you have to do little things that lead to bigger things which mean great things. you can’t just keep doing what you’re doing now (which is nothing and wondering why better things haven’t come along). anyways, now i’ve gone over my word count goal which was 1000 and the number just keeps getting uglier. or I could go to 1111. nah too many words. alright, goodnight internet. in the very british way, xx.
waiting for a better title 